Dating can be a fun and enjoyable experience. However, for some, it is an anxiety-producing task. Even defining what is and is not a date may be difficult. There is a new term almost every month. One of the most recent terms brought to my attention is “pre-date.” A “pre-date” is an activity that is engaged in to determine if one wants to go on a date.
Yet the activities may not differ from activities that another person would consider a date. The time of day is another factor in defining whether or not something is a date. Some people do not consider anything done during the day a date. Meals are the classic activity with a natural end in that the interaction may conclude at the end of the meal.
It is hard to get to know a person if you are already thinking about how the date will lead to a relationship or even worse how the relationship will end. Give yourself some space and grace to enjoy what is happening in the now. Being elsewhere is going to hinder your ability to perceive the authentic interactions that are happening in the moment.
As Black women, so many of us have received our first love lessons from our mothers who have been there and done that. And on a holiday like Mother’s Day, which is all about giving our matriarchs their flowers, we owe it to our moms to thank them for their wisdom when it comes to manifesting and maintaining relationships. To celebrate the holiday, we asked 24 Black women for sage love advice passed down to them by their mothers. These are the gems they shared.
Here's some valuable advice:
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- “Never go to bed angry with each other. Remember that you and your partner are on the same team, and communication is key."
- “Watch the way he treats his mother."
- “Relationships take work, but make sure it’s work that’s worth doing."
- “My grandma used to say, ‘You shouldn’t be with a man who makes you wear a bra,’ and my mom used to say, ‘Never buy a man sneakers because he’ll walk out of your life wearing them.’ As I say this, I think I understand what they meant. My grandma meant to be with a man who was comfortable with all of you and would never put you in an uncomfortable situation."
- “My mom always used to say a dangerous man is one who never communicates his dissatisfaction."
- “The way to keep the spark in your marriage is by doing the things that made you two fall in love with each other in the first place."
- “Never leave the house without looking your best! You don’t want to run into Mr."
- “Demand respect. Love is respectful, and it’s kind."
- “My mother always used to say the person you attract is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Always pour into and invest in yourself."
- “Relationships don’t have to be hard."
- “My mother always told me when you’re first getting to know someone, take it slow."
- “My mother always said you’ll know a man has husband potential when he’s a man of his word."
- “One thing my mom always used to preach is that a person who didn’t recognize your value the first time around doesn’t deserve a second chance with you. As I navigate these dating streets, where ghosting and spinning the block seems to be the norm, I’m so happy that she set that standard for me."
- “My mama, being the God-fearing lady she was, always used to quote Proverbs 18:22: ‘A man that finds a wife finds a good thing.’ It was her way of letting me and my sisters know that it’s not our job to chase after a husband."
- “Choose a partner you know you can depend on."
- “Never hit below the belt while you two are in a fight."
- “My mother warned me to never lose myself in a relationship. Focus on your education and goals, and always have a sense of identity outside of who you’re with. At the end of the day, a relationship won’t be the thing to make you feel whole."
- “I used to talk to my mom a lot before she passed about wanting to give up dating. I felt so defeated by the men I had loved not loving me back or not loving me the way I needed to be loved. Her response was always that I would meet my husband when God knew I was ready. I always felt frustrated by that response because it felt like the typical thing people always say to single folks. I met my husband two and a half years after we lost her, and I’m so glad the sliver of me that believed she was right still held on. Even though I was devastated at the thought of living without her, it was her advice that gave me the courage to surrender to God’s will, which led to me meeting the man I always prayed for."
- “Love is a choice."
Dating and Race
Once, I was at a bar with friends when two white men approached me. The wingman walked up to me as his friend stood beside him and screamed over the music, “You’re perfect! Against my better judgment, I assumed that the wingman just wasn’t very good at his job and started talking to his friend anyway. I wish I could say that I’m surprised and appalled by the ignorance that white men tend to show when they approach me, but I’ve come to expect it.
White men have the privilege of not having to actively think about their intersections of race and gender, which is starkly different from black women’s realities. Our race and gender affects the way we carry ourselves, and this uncomfortable mindfulness is something that white men simply cannot relate to. A white man must be willing to work toward a better understanding of how race and gender intersect differently for everyone, and he must also be prepared to speak out against the injustices that their partners will endure.
We’ve recently offered suggestions on how people of color can approach their white partner on the issue of race. But before you can even get there, you need to do some self-reflection to work out why, exactly, you want to date black women (or a particular black woman). Do you have a fascination with how biracial children look? You should want to date a person because you like who they are and have compatible views and interests, not because their race is the next thing to do on your bucket list or because you were enthralled by their “exotic ways” (honestly, are you doing an anthropological study on black culture?
When getting to know a black woman, don’t ask them to be the authority on black culture. But black women are fully fleshed, three dimensional human beings with varying thoughts, abilities, values, and passions. Appreciate us for our versatility and the little quirks that make each one of us so special.
INTERRACIAL DATING: PROS + CONS | bwwm | interracial tag|interracial dating tips|dating outside race
Dating in Your 30s
If there’s a mid-thirties lover girl out there seeking guidance, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve done the leg work for you. Brides.com recommends this charming exercise. Write down the names of the last few people you’ve dated, and next to each name, write the top 5 things you liked about dating that person and the top 5 things you didn’t. Now, note any patterns.
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If you’ve been wondering where you’ve gone wrong while dating in your 30s, chances are you’ve committed the cardinal sin - according to author & relationship expert Rachel Greenwald - wasting too much time! In her words, “…in your late twenties and early thirties, I think about six months is the longest amount of time that you should spend with someone in getting to know them and creating a deep relationship with them. You read that right - six months! So say goodbye to those on-again, off-again romances that are more off than on.
Dating in your 30s is about being open. Having a “type” is okay, but remaining open to a wider range of potential mates could be the key to finding love. This one was hard to read, but umm yeah, apparently, we can throw out those lists of everything we want in a mate and prioritize things of substance only.
Licensed counselor, Shanta Jackson, recommends therapy to overcome persistent trauma and festering wounds. Relationship coach, Jordan Gray, recommends pulling the plug on dead-end relationships. If you’re not into the person, don’t text, don’t call, don’t give false hope, don’t pass go, or collect $200. Let it go.
Your twenties may have been about throwing caution to the wind, but a decade later, you’re all the wiser. Dating coach Camille Virginia reminds us, “Our intuition is always guiding us, but in our 20s, we’re not necessarily ready to hear it.” However, this does not need to be true for us in our thirties. Now is not the time to wait three days to text back. It’s the time to be open and vulnerable, state your intentions, release negative thinking, accept rejection, and date like an adult.
Once you’ve done the work to heal, you can be honest about what you desire in a mate and confident about what you bring to the table. Keep us posted.
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