Open marriage is a form of non-monogamy in which the partners of a dyadic marriage agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual or romantic relationships, without this being regarded by them as infidelity. The partners consider or establish an open relationship despite the implied monogamy of marriage.
To truly understand the concept, it's essential to delve into its origins, how it differs from other relationship styles, and what it takes to make it work.
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The Origins of the Term "Open Marriage"
The term "open marriage" originated in sociology and anthropology. The O'Neills describe open marriage as a relationship in which each partner has room for personal growth and can individually develop outside friendships, rather than focus obsessively on their couplehood and their family unit (being "closed").
Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples was a best selling book published by M. Evans & Company in 1972 by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill. It was on the New York Times Best Seller list for 40 weeks. It has been translated into 14 languages and has sold more than 35 million copies worldwide according to the publisher. The book changed the meaning of the term.
Most of the book describes approaches to revitalizing marriage in areas of trust, role flexibility, communication, identity, and equality. Chapter 16, entitled "Love Without Jealousy", devoted 20 pages to the proposition that an open marriage might possibly include some forms of sexuality with other partners.
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In her 1977 book The Marriage Premise, Nena O'Neill advocated sexual fidelity in a chapter of that name. As she later said, "The whole area of extramarital sex is touchy. Individuals might claim to have open marriages when their spouses would not agree.
Studies and articles that interview individuals without taking their married status into account may not receive accurate information about the actual "open" status of the marriage.
Different Types of Open Marriages
Couples in open marriages may prefer different kinds of extramarital relationships. These distinctions may depend on psychological factors such as sociosexuality and may contribute to the formation of separate Polyamory and Swinging communities.
Couples who prefer extramarital relationships emphasizing love and emotional involvement have a polyamorous style of open marriage. Couples who prefer extramarital relationships emphasizing sexual gratification and recreational friendships have a swinging style of open marriage.
The distinction between polyamory and swinging applies to open marriages. Polyamory is motivated by a desire to expand love by developing emotionally involved relationships with extramarital partners. Swinging is motivated by a desire for physical gratification by engaging in sexual activities with extramarital partners.
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The partners within a couple may differ in their respective preferences. One partner may prefer a polyamorous style of open marriage and participate in the Polyamory community, while the other partner may prefer a swinging style of open marriage and participate in the swinging community.
- Polyamory: Emphasizes love and emotional connections with multiple partners.
- Swinging: Focuses on sexual gratification and recreational friendships outside the marriage.
Open Marriage vs. Polyamory, Polygamy, and Cheating
Sometimes these terms are used interchangeably, but they describe different things. Where they overlap, though, is that both polyamory and open marriages are expressions of ethical non-monogamy.
An open marriage without that mutual understanding would constitute cheating, unless you and your partner specified otherwise. An open marriage is a relationship where the parties are free to take new partners.
Polyamory means having multiple romantic relationships at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. As for polygamy, while an open marriage may involve multiple loving, connected relationships, it does not always involve multiple marriages, which is what polygamy is.
The terms both fall under the heading of “ethical non-monogamy,” but they are not synonymous. You can combine them or do one without the other. If your relationship is polyamorous and open, then it’s kosher for you to take new relationships, and you may fall in love with your partners.
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Swingers often have sex outside their main relationship, but keep it casual. If your relationship is neither open nor polyamorous, you’re probably monogamous.
Key Differences:
- Open Marriage: Agreement to have sexual or romantic relationships outside the marriage.
- Polyamory: Multiple intimate, loving relationships with consent.
- Polygamy: Multiple marriages (often associated with specific cultural or religious contexts).
- Cheating: Non-consensual breach of monogamous agreement.
What Makes an Open Marriage Work?
The limitlessness of an open marriage is grounded in a lot of hard work shared equally by the couple, and all parties should be aware of the expectations. There are plenty of reasons to open up a marriage, like exploring different desires, kinks, or sexualities.
In an ethically non-monogamous open marriage, you have an agreement, you create boundaries, as opposed to “cheating” or “being manipulative.” An agreement is a deep conversation between partners that is renegotiable over time, as things happen over a relationship.
Couples consensually creating mutual agreements that work for their needs is a good thing, and thankfully, recent years have seen a shift in society’s attitude toward nontraditional relationship styles. It’s important to remember that even within a monogamous or closed context there’s still a set of relationship agreements. Open relationships just force you to outline them explicitly and intentionally-something every relationship could benefit from more of, no matter how you slice it.
The best open marriages are ones with rules in place. The rules are set by the couple. They vary because each couple is unique and values different things.
Essential Elements for a Successful Open Marriage
- Communication: Honest and open dialogue about needs and boundaries.
- Consent: Mutual agreement and ongoing consent from all parties involved.
- Boundaries: Clear guidelines and expectations for extramarital relationships.
- Trust: A strong foundation of trust and respect between partners.
Potential Challenges and Considerations
Strong social disapproval of open marriage may lead to a loss of psychological and health benefits. Surveys show consistently high disapproval of extramarital sex. Similar levels of disapproval are observed in other Western societies.
Some critics object to open marriages on the ground that open marriages violate religious principles. For example, open marriages contradict traditional Christian doctrine. Open marriages also violate the prohibition against adultery in the Ten Commandments.
It’s also important to know that raising the subject of opening a marriage can be delicate. Approach the conversation with care and the understanding that an open arrangement will not likely fix a relationship already in trouble.
If you need help navigating the transition with your partner-which, like, you’re trying something brand-new here! It’s totally chill to want some expert guidance-Fielding recommends seeking relationship therapy or coaching with a professional who specializes in non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships.
Statistics and Studies
Blumstein and Schwartz found that 15 percent of married couples share an agreement that allows extramarital sex, but only about 24 percent of men and 22 percent of women (or 6 percent and 5 percent of the total, respectively) who had such an agreement actually engaged in extramarital sex during the prior year.
A 1995 study found that some couples drop out of the open marriage lifestyle and return to sexual monogamy. In 1983, Blumstein and Schwartz[5] determined that out of 3,498 married men, 903 had an agreement with their spouses allowing extramarital sex; of these, 24 percent (217 men) actually engaged in extramarital sex during the previous year, and overall 6 percent had been actively involved in open marriages during the previous year.
Among wives under 25, however, there is a very large increase, but even this has only brought the incidence of extramarital behavior for these young women close to-but not yet on par with-the incidence of extramarital behavior among under-25 husbands.
Despite popularization in a book of that title in the early 1970s, open marriage has never become as prevalent as nonconsensual extramarital activities, and its popularity seems to be waning even further today." (Janus & Janus, 1993, p.
Table: Key Findings from Studies on Open Marriage
| Study | Finding |
|---|---|
| Blumstein and Schwartz (1983) | 15% of married couples agree to extramarital sex, but only a fraction engage in it. |
| 1995 Study | Some couples revert to sexual monogamy after trying open marriage. |
